Predators Hunt the Wounded
An abuse survivor e-mailed me saying how she seemed to attract men who want to exploit her. On the other hand, good people seem to run from her. Tragically, this is the common experience of abuse survivors. I have always puzzled as to why this is. She sent me a couple of photos of herself. Then something clicked. I was a little gentler, but here is the essence of my e-mail to her:
Your photos, though nice, give the impression that you are sad, shy, lacking in confidence and aching for love. An evil man might look at those photos and think to himself, “Her need for love and for a boost in self-esteem seem so overwhelming that if I let her think that I could meet these needs, she would be so scared of losing me that she would find it hard to resist the urge to do anything I want. If I initially treat her tenderly and kindly and flatter her, I’ll have a good chance of turning her into virtually my slave. I could then treat her however I wish.”
If, on the other hand, a man saw you as happy, confident and relatively content, he’d assume you are quite choosy as to who you relate to and how far you would go. He’d assume you have none of the desperation that pressures some women to compromise their morals to get the love they crave.
Not only could this be a factor in men with evil intent being attracted to you, it could cause good men (or good women) to feel tempted to try to get their way with you. Because they are honorable, they might run for fear that if they stayed close to you they might yield to that temptation.
Regardless of how resistant to sexual pressure she really is, a person with low self-esteem and who craves love gives the impression that she is vulnerable to seduction. Upon finding such a person, immoral men feel emboldened to test their suspicion that they have found someone they could seduce.
To resist sexual advances, a woman craving love and lacking in self-esteem needs far superior self-control to that of other women, if she perceives that she must yield to those advances in order to receive the love she desperately needs. Furthermore, an abuse survivor is strongly tempted to accept the lie that because she has been mistreated before, she has little purity left to protect. This lie is yet another burden weighing down abuse survivors.
Moreover, in addition to these strong pressures, she will find resisting an evil man much harder than other women find it because she has a history of having done everything possible to resist and she was still overpowered. Her past tragedies cause her to lose hope that she could ever successfully prevent a man from exploiting her. She feels sure that any attempt to resist would be a futile waste of effort. Sexual predators know this, so they are on the look out for abuse survivors.
A tragically large number of abuse survivors have mistakenly thought that perhaps they have low morals or are evil or that God is against them, since that they seem to attract sexual predators. This is most certainly not so. The thought is so obviously incorrect that, theoretically, there should be no need to deny it. Sadly, it needs to be spelt out because sexual offenders are skilled at cruelly manipulating tender consciences, causing their victims to have a mistaken view of themselves. The truth is that abuse survivors tend to attract repeat offenses simply because they are hurting; and sexual predators, like beasts of prey, think the wounded might be an easier target.
If predators imagine they have a chance with you, it means nothing. Simply by refusing their advances, you can prove them wrong.
Knowing why the wrong sort of people might try to exploit you can be a relief. There is nothing wrong with you other than the simple fact that you are hurting. I am sure what you really want to know, however, is how to prevent this attention. It’s easy to say that self-esteem, confidence and feeling loved is the answer, but the difficulty is knowing how to grow in these things.
by: Grantley Morris
Very good article...well written...I often find myself falling victim to abusers... emotional, sexual, physical...you name it...it occurred at some point throughout my childhood....I have experienced every type of abuse known u can think of...I did not have a father, my mother neglected and physically abused me on a daily basis, I was forced to live with relatives and friends...was constantly moving...everytime I got settled somewhere,something came up and I had to move to another place....most of the time I was alone and sad...my teenage and highschool years were horrible...I made poor grades and just didnt care anymore....I felt like nobody cared about me so why should I try to be sucessul in school...nobody would be proud of me if I did....It wasn't until I became an adult that I realized that I needed to do it for myself and not for anyone else.....I manage to heal from some of the pain because I realized that it wasn't my fault that I was molested by my mother's male friends...or that she neglected me for my younger sisters and their dad.... or that the people I grew up with never treated me right....I realized that it was my caregivers who did not do their job to protect me and that it was no fault of my own....I managed to stop feeling guilty but every now and then the memories pop up and I guess they manifest in my facial expression, body language or mood because often times when I am feeling down, thats when people tend to try and take advantage of me....It might be the neighbor who drops her kids off at my house without notice and do not return till the next day... the hostile co-worker who gossips and start rumors...or the boss who expects me to do everbody's work and then some and not get compensated or recognized for it... the selfish uncaring spouse who places his needs above mine all the time and exploits sexual favors from me...or the disrespectful step children who refuse to listen to a word I say .... or the friend who borrows money and never pays it back....At one point I asked a girl who was beign mean to me, why did she feel the need to be...she replied that I look like easy target....Now that I have read this article...it all makes sense to me....I am attracting these things with my thoughts...I am pulling them to me....I need to take controll of my feelings and not let them controll my life...thank you for your insight.......
Posted by: nicole | 05/03/2011 at 12:18 AM